I Can't Pronounce That

Samhain is Right Around the Corner

2008-10-19T15:44:00.001-05:00

The coming winter looms ahead of me and I feel that it is bound to be a strange season. I don't know exactly why I feel this way. It settled on me at the end of summer while the days were still hot. I've felt something coming down the pipe for several months now. It hasn't arrived yet but I can see the dark edges of it on the horizon. I can only hope that whatever it turns out to be and whatever changes it works in me it spits me out the other side a better person.

The weather has turned now, thank goodness. October started out hot but it is finally starting to feel like Autumn and I couldn't be happier about it. Nothing gets me going like a crisp breeze and the smell of burning leaves in the air. I saw my first jack-o-lantern the other night grinning at me from a neighbor's window and I find myself excited for the first time in a long time. It was a slow and painful summer. I had to work through a lot of issues and doubt threatened to steal my spiritual center away from me on several occasions. I prayed nightly for the strength to hang on and the gods answered . . .eventually. Took me a while to hear them, though.

I find myself asking for signs all the time now -- a dangerous practice. I'm afraid I am only seeing what I want to see instead of what's really there and it smacks of insecurity. I guess I'm not completely free of doubt after all.

I wonder where this path is leading me. I am jealous of my Christian friends and family who get to gather in fellowship whenever they wish. I've always felt comfortable as a solitary neopagan but I'm starting to feel as if I need to be around others now.

Just Testing

2008-09-23T16:13:00.001-05:00

Testing out a new blog client (Semagic) to see how it works. Using Windows and no Vim, sadface.

Who Won Tonight?

2008-09-07T19:24:00.001-05:00

The Ravens won, lovelies! Forgive the excitement. I've had a few beers and my team did well. I like to think I am above the shallowness of team sports but it turns out I'm not. So there. Woo!

*drunken fist pump*

Geese!

2008-09-07T19:17:00.001-05:00

I heard the geese overhead tonight. First of the season! There is something about the sound of geese on the wing that strikes me so deeply. I think it probably has a lot to do with my dad. When I was very young my father would always take time to point out the geese to me. No matter what time it was, even if I was fast asleep, if he heard the geese he would wake me up and we would sit at the window and listen until they had passed. To this day when I spy Canada Geese in the wetlands on the shore I think of my father and of fall rapidly approaching.

Such a beautiful sound!

What Druids?

2008-09-07T10:10:00.004-05:00

A thoughtful and thought-provoking piece from Bo on why modern Druidry really doesn't have anything to do with Druids at all.

This is something I have thought a lot about. I belong to ADF and I find the tenets of modern neo-druidry appealing but I was always uncomfortable with idea of actually calling myself a Druid. There is just too much we don't know about them and what we DO know tells us that the amount of lore and knowledge they were required to learn puts the title completely out of reach for most modern pagans.

The Blight of Air Conditioning

2008-09-05T19:27:00.002-05:00

I have a love/hate relationship with my air conditioner. I don't particularly like to be hot unless I am exercising and I cannot sleep hot to save me but man do I hate the AC otherwise. It stuffs up my nose and dries out my skin and I hate not feeling the breeze through the window or hearing the birds sing in the morning.

Autumn cannot come fast enough. I'm ready for you jacket weather!

Finding My Way Back

2008-09-05T19:20:00.003-05:00

It makes sense that I coming back to blogging just as the hot months are drawing to a close. Summer is hard for me. While I love certain aspects of it (the sound of the crickets and cicadas outside my window as I drift off to sleep; coming home from a nice long walk covered in sweat and downing water straight from the icebox; ice cream trucks) it is in autumn that I truly come alive. As the year winds to a close I find myself looking forward to new beginnings.

That is what this blog is for me, in a way -- a new beginning. I haven't written regularly in over a year. I had a crisis of faith; a dark night of the soul. I lost touch with those things that had once meant so much to me. I abandoned my regular spiritual practices and washed my hands of the whole deal. I declared myself a non-believer. That wasn't really true. I still believed in Them but I was convinced They no longer believed in me. And my heart broke right in two.

Looking back I think that I ended up trying too hard to make myself fit into a pre-defined package. I had somehow gotten it into my head that it wasn't enough to say, "I identify as a pagan. I have these beliefs. Some I have picked up along the way because they resonated so deeply and some are completely my own. And that is enough." I became convinced that somewhere out there there was a specific religion, a specific pantheon, a specific God/dess that I belonged to and until I found it -- until I named it -- I couldn't be truly fulfilled. I'm not very good with ambiguity sometimes. As much as I abhor seeing others boxed in by labels I don't always allow myself the same freedom. I have spent the last fifteen years of my life researching paganism and neo-paganism. I have followed my bloodline as far back as I can trace it and learned what it was my most ancient ancestors might have believed (assuming that my ancestors even were where I think they were from -- something else I have overthought and worried into the ground.) I thought if I just read enough -- if I just learned enough -- it would all fall into place and the light bulb would go off. "A-ha," I would think, "here is where I belong! This is what I was looking for. This is what I should be doing!" But, you know, that never happened.

So I let it all go. I was making myself more and more confused with every book I read, every prayer I said, every candle I lit. What had seemed so simple at one time had become horrendously complicated and the answers I begged for just wouldn't come. I thought that maybe I would be better off just calling myself an agnostic with mystical leanings and have done with it. Or maybe, I thought, I should just abandon belief altogether and go about the business of living in the "real world."

But it didn't work. I believe what I believe not because I want to but because I have been shown that it is true. And eventually I realized that I would be betraying Those who revealed these things to me by turning my back on that truth. No matter how complicated it might feel I had to find my way back to honoring Those who never turned Their backs on me even though I had turned my back on Them.

So I put the books away for a while. I stepped away from the internet and the communities and the mailing lists and the bookmarks and the mythology and I went back to what I used to do before I knew that what I felt had any name at all. I went for long walks outside. I sat in front of a candle and let whatever might come flow through me without trying to pin it down. I kissed my hand to the new Moon when I caught sight of Her without demanding to know Her name. I let the Sun fall on my face in the morning and gave thanks to Him for all of His gifts. I sat with the shadows and prayed to my Grandmothers and Grandfathers. I listened with patience to what they had to say and when they said nothing at all I simply thanked them for the blood running through my veins. And eventually I found my way back to a spiritual place that was even stronger and brighter than it had been before.

Because before I had struggled with the concept of deities that I could not see. What I realized when I was quiet enought to allow it to penetrate was that I could see them everywhere. My earth goddess is the Earth herself. She is every tree, every blade of grass, every firm path under my feet. The Moon was right there in the sky above me, the Sun around every corner. I realize now that this is enough. It is so much more than enough.

I cannot guarantee that I will never have another crisis of faith again. But if I remember to stop and see and not overthink every little thing I think I'll be OK. Because I know that They are there even when it feels that They are not and that is I who creates the distance between us, not Them.

Testing Vim Plugin for Blogger and Getting Back to Posting

2008-09-01T12:18:00.001-05:00

I am looking to start updating this blog again after letting it languish for over a year. Life took me away from home and away from my computer for some time but in return I gained a bit of perspective and learned a few lessons about what's really important.

But now things have slowed down and I am looking to get started blogging again.

The only thing I never really liked about blogging was using the web interface to update and since I am used to using Vim for most of my text editing needs I decided to see if someone had come up with a plugin for Blogger and lo and behold someone has! So let's see if it works.

Stress

2007-02-27T20:56:00.000-05:00

I can't think clearly. Work is stressing me out. Family is stressing me out. I look at the world but I don't really see it. Days go by and I can't remember what I did when and who I saw and where I went and which day it all happened on. I seek out peace in nature but my thoughts are such a jumble I can't feel anything on the wind or in the ocean. I try to pray but feel like no one is listening. I ponder my future and the uncertainty of it all tightens my chest and makes my head throb and I have to shut down for a while and catch my breath.

There is so much I want to do and I am desperately afraid I don't have enough time in which to do it. I am ashamed of all the time I've already wasted and terrified that the stress and worry of every day life is taking even more away.

Celtic KFC Tattoo

2007-02-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

I love it. See here for more about the "Celtic Colonel Sanders". WARNING: Body modification site. Probably not for the more squeamish among you.

Bio Regional Quiz

2007-02-12T00:47:00.000-05:00

From here: http://www.toteg.org/TribeData/WhereYouAt.html

UPDATE: Yvonne from Nemeton pointed out in the comments that Chas Clifton has a great piece on bioregional wisdom and the issues raised by honoring or not honoring the cultures of other bioregions. The piece includes this quiz and addresses some of the issues raised by the questions and our ability (or lack thereof) to answer. Thank you, Yvonne.

Exactly what I needed. Moving to Miami from up north is a huge adjustment and I am just starting to learn about the local environment and ecology. I will be answering these questions over time.

Where You At? A Bioregional Quiz
Developed by Leonard Charles, Jim Dodge, Lynn Milliman, and Victoria Stockley.

1. Trace the water you drink from precipitation to tap.

2. How many days til the moon is full? (Slack of 2 days allowed.)

3. What soil series are you standing on ?

4. What was the total rainfall in your area last year (July-June)? (Slack: 1 inch for every 20 inches.)

5. When was the last time a fire burned in your area?

6. What were the primary subsistence techniques of the culture that lived in your area before you?

7. Name five (5) edible plants in your region and their season(s) of availability.

8. From what direction do winter storms generally come in your region?

9. Where does your garbage go?

10. How long is the growing season where you live?

11. On what day of the year are the shadows the shortest where you live?

12. When do the deer rut in your region, and when are the young born?

13. Name five (5) grasses in your area. Are any of them native?

14. Name five resident and five migratory birds in your area.

15. What is the land use history of where you live?

16. What primary ecological event/process influenced the land form where you live? (Bonus
special: what's the evidence?)

17. What species have become extinct in your area?

18. What are the major plant associations in your region?

19. From where you're reading this, point north.

20. What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom where you live?

Playing With Fire

2007-02-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'm a pretty elemental person. Ever since I discovered the classic four-element system I've thought it made perfect sense. I "get" the elements on an instinctive level. Always have. I know how each "feels" and how much of each I contain within myself. I am all earth and water, less air and very little fire in general. Kind of funny considering I'm a fire sign. I DO have some fire in me. I have a temper but in all honesty if I get really angry I'm a lot more likely to cry from the frustration than throw a tantrum. All that water has to come out somewhere.

I lack passion. I lack that internal store of energy that's necessary to take an idea and manifest it out into the world. While I've known this and felt this and seen it manifest itself in various ways throughout my life, I've never done anything about it. Know why? No fire.

So, I've decided to reach down deep to the sputtering embers I hope are still there and spend a week doing a little elemental work with fire - see if I can stoke this baby up into something respectable. See if I can flic my Bic, so to speak.

I intend to meditate upon a flame each night and spend at least part of each day outside honoring the Sun. Try to incorporate fire into everything I do. Make some things happen instead of just thinking and feeling about them. Set fire to everything and see what stays lit.

Notes From The Geek Show: The Protocols of the Elders of Sodom

2007-02-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

Notes From The Geek Show: The Protocols of the Elders of Sodom

An absolutely brilliant rebuttal to those who would use irrational discrimination to marginalize and oppress our queer brothers and sisters. Long, but a must read!

Anna Nicole

2007-02-09T23:02:00.002-05:00

So, Anna Nicole Smith. I wasn't intending to write about her death but the level of vitriol aimed at her since her passing, particularly on the interwebs, compelled me to post.

I've heard it said that Anna Nicole, whose real name was Vickie Hogan, was no more than a whore. And perhaps that is true. We paid her in time and attention and in return she gave us beautiful pictures and a sad, unintentionally hilarious life. But we are some pretty demanding whores ourselves. In return for fame we asked for her soul. One whore asked only for attention; the other demanded blood...and got it. I know which whore I'd rather be.

I have always bristled at the accusations that she was a gold-digger and therefore a worthy object of derision. What bothers me most is that an equal amount of scorn is not heaped upon her late husband.

Did she marry him for money? For security? We cannot know for sure, but I would suspect that it played a rather large role in her decision to become his wife. But what of him? I refuse to believe that such a wealthy, successful man was a complete idiot. Why did he feel it necessary to marry so late in life to a woman known only for her looks? Could it be because he desired to live out one last fantasy of having a trophy on his arm? Could it be that he realized that such fantasies come at a price and was willing to pay it? Why are her motives so frequently called into question and not his?

So what if she married him for his money? So what if he married her because he wanted to spend his final years face-deep in the bosom of a Playmate? Who did they hurt?

Anna Nicole Smith was beautiful, sexy and voluptuous. But in America, we demand that our celebrities be intelligent and eloquent as well as beautiful and when they are not we make sure to remind them - daily - that they are Only Getting By On Their Looks. We court the beautiful and place them on pedestals and on the covers of magazines and elevate them to a near God-like position but our collective guilt and shame over such shallowness invariably manifests itself as mockery when those demigods fail to live up to our impossible standards. They must be intellectually accomplished as well as physically attractive in order to make us feel better about beating off to their photos. I love her for her MIND, man!

But Anna Nicole Smith exposed our voracious appetite for empty beauty and we punished her for it. She failed to live up to her end of the bargain: we would make her famous for her beauty but only if she proved herself smart enough to make us feel better about being such shallow tools.

But she refused. Whether because she was unwilling or, more likely, unable she forced us to admit that the only reason she was famous was because she had a killer body and a beautiful face. All she wanted was a way out of a dead-end life in rural Texas and when her looks weren't enough anymore she relied on our relentless appetite for tabloid sensationalism and smug superiority to keep her in the press. And, Gods bless her, it worked. For a time.

And we had to admit that we read Playboy for the pictures after all.

Winners gallery 2007 - World Press Photo

2007-02-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

Winners gallery 2007 - World Press Photo

Once again, an absolutely breathtaking crop of winners in this year's World Press Photo contest.

An Interrogator's Lament | MetaFilter

2007-02-09T22:11:00.000-05:00

A poem quoted on a recent Metafilter thread:

"Every Warrior of the Light
has felt afraid of going into battle.

Every Warrior of the Light
has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.

Every Warrior of the Light
has trodden a path that was not his.

Every Warrior of the Light
has suffered for the most trivial of reasons.

Every Warrior of the Light
has, at least once, believed he was not a Warrior of the Light.

Every Warrior of the Light
has failed in his spiritual duties.

Every Warrior of the Light
has said 'yes' when he wanted to say 'no.'

Every Warrior of the Light
has hurt someone he loved.

That is why he is a Warrior of the Light,
Because he has been through all this
and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.

~ Paulo Coelho"

Who Are You Anyway?

2007-02-09T16:45:00.001-05:00

So, I recently began the ADF's Dedicant Program. More precisely, I recently paid my dues to become an ADF member and am waiting for the DP materials to come in the mail. In the meantime I've been reading over the electronic copy of the Manual and seeing what's in store. I have been contemplating working through the DP for quite a few years now hesitating only because the word "Druid" has always set off alarm bells in my head. You know, visions of berobed hippies dancing around oak trees and murmuring about how the Morrigan* is really quite sweet actually once you get to know her. (And, you know, pry the steaming entrails from her teeth and wipe the blood off.)

But I've been letting it roll around in the back of my head while I spent time pursuing other ways of connecting with the Divine like occasionally lighting a candle or spending long, pensive moments trying to determine if that dream I had about the stag in the woods was a message from a deity or a sign that I should maybe cut back on pre-bedtime burrito consumption. The depths of my dedication know no bounds. Why I must have devoted entire MINUTES to developing my third eye! I think I saw an aura once or twice but it was a little foggy that day so who can be sure?

My main problem, aside from abject laziness, is that while I know SOMETHING is out there I don't know who They are. Here's what I have figured out so far:

1. There are at least two of 'em. I think.
2. One is female and one is male, so far as any probably-immortal, immensely powerful, far-seeing Divine creature can be said to have a gender.
3. He thinks I'm a bit of a tool.
4. She likes red.

There you have it. The extent of my personal cosmology. All I know. I have read and read and read about this pantheon and that culture and this religion and that reconstruction, looking for anything that could lead me closer to discovering who They are and...I got nothin'. It could be argued that if I had spent less time reading and more time getting off my ass and actually trying to spiritually connect to Them I might know more by now but that's just crazy talk, I'm sure.

In all seriousness I am devoted to finding out who They are and what They want from me. I think I just need more structure and motivation. The DP program, from what I have read about it, seems like a good way of developing that structure. A religious framework within which I can begin to seek out my Gods on a more active spiritual level instead of just an intellectual one.

I am envious of those who are 100% sure of Who it is that's jerking them around the Universe. I read about people who have known from a very young age that they were being contacted by someone Other. They spend their lives having conversations and receiving visions and seeing signs and then one day they read a book about one mythology or another and have their breakthrough moment. "Hey! The ravens, the wolves, that weird one-eyed old man who accosted me on the street that time! And when my brother pushed me into the well when I was eight and when I came out I could read Old Norse! It was Odin all along!" And then it's just a matter of reading about Him and the culture of His people and putting some things in place and there you go! A deeply meaningful spiritual experience in which they have total faith. I don't mean for that to sound trite or like these folks don't have to work for their faith. I know that they do. I'm just jealous of y'all.

And then there are people like me who didn't have Supreme Beings whispering into their ears as a kid and didn't see any signs of anything much as an adult except maybe they should get more exercise because their ass is getting chubby. But there is something there. And that something is being extremely coy and maybe I'm not ready or maybe the signs are there and I just haven't seen them but whatever. The point is. They are not making it easy. And I am not making enough of an effort. Which is probably WHY They aren't making it easy.

So, how will the DP help? I am hoping it will help me to develop a personal spiritual plan of attack. The push I need to stop reading and start doing.

Why can't there be a Goddess of Lazy Bums? I think she and I would get on really well together.

*The drawing of the Morrigan is from the online portfolio of J. "Kythera" Contreras. Check her out! She is incredibly talented. I love her comic-style artworks and her painted miniatures.

Why Can't I Pronounce That?

2007-02-08T01:36:00.000-05:00

Working one's way through a Celtic language-based framework for ritual and worship is a pain in the ass when one can't wrap one's tiny little brain around the correct pronunciation of Celtic languages. I mean, have you SEEN some of those Welsh names? There are, like, forty consonants and one vowel - and Ys in strange places.